After the Affair: Online Couples Therapy for Infidelity Recovery

When infidelity shatters your relationship, the pain can feel unbearable. Shock, rage, devastation, shame, and paralysing fear arrive all at once - often for both partners. You may feel as though you’ve lost not only your partner, but yourself.

If you’re seeking couples therapy after an affair, help recovering from infidelity, or therapy to rebuild trust after cheating, you’ve found a specialist who understands the unique complexity of this injury.

Online couples therapy provides a structured, emotionally safe container to process what has happened, understand the deeper wounds beneath the betrayal, and carefully navigate whether - and how - your relationship can heal.

The Aftermath of Betrayal

In the wake of infidelity, both partners often feel unrecognisable to themselves. If you’re experiencing any of the following, you are having a normal response to a challening crisis:

For the Betrayed Partner

Your attachment system is in crisis mode, producing intense reactions that can feel frightening or out of control but are actually your brain’s attempt to restore safety. The betrayed partner might be experiencing:

• Intrusive thoughts and images - replaying details, imagining scenes, and obsessing over questions

• Physical symptoms - inability to eat or sleep, panic attacks, feeling physically unwell

• Emotional whiplash - rage one moment, desperate need for closeness the next, then numbness

• Hypervigilance - checking phones, accounts, or whereabouts compulsively

• Loss of self - questioning your judgment, attractiveness, worth, or reality itself

For the Involved Partner

You may find yourself oscillating between genuine remorse and defensive self-protection, struggling to hold both accountability and self-compassion simultaneously. The involved partner might be experiencing:

• Crushing guilt and shame - heavy emotions that feel unbearable

• Fear of losing everything - the relationship, family structure, self-respect

• Disorientation - feeling confused by your own actions and wondering what you truly want

• Defensive reactions - even when you want to take responsibility

• Emotional paralysis - not knowing what to say or how to help

For Both Partners

The relationship you once knew has fundamentally changed, leaving both of you navigating unfamiliar emotional territory without a map. You might both be experiencing:

• Not recognising your relationship - it feels like a stranger has replaced your partner

• Unable to have conversations - without escalation, shutdown, or cycles of conflict

• Profound uncertainty - asking, Can we survive this? Should we even try?

• Isolation and shame - feeling unable to tell anyone what you’re going through

These reactions are not signs of weakness or dysfunction. Experiencing infidelity can be a significant attachment trauma. Regardless of your role in what happened, you and your partner can experience a destabilisation that affects your sense of reality, your future, and your understanding of who you are.

Why Infidelity Hurts This Much: Understanding Attachment Injury

Infidelity generally refers to secret emotional, sexual, or romantic behaviours that breach the explicitly or implicitly agreed-upon exclusivity of a romantic relationship.

When a couple experiences a betrayal of trust, it is not simply a violation of rules or agreements. It is a rupture of the attachment bond, the deep emotional connection that makes you feel safe, seen, and secure in your relationship.

The Science of Betrayal

Humans are neurobiologically wired for attachment. When your primary attachment figure - your partner - becomes the source of danger rather than safety, your entire system goes into crisis mode. This isn’t dramatic or ‘overreacting’ - it’s your attachment system responding to a genuine threat to your emotional survival.

Why ‘Just Talking’ Often Makes Things Worse

Without structure and support, attempts to discuss the affair typically spiral into:

• Demand-withdraw cycles - One partner desperately seeking information and reassurance while the other shuts down from overwhelm

• Defensive blame loops - Attempts to explain become accusations that trigger more pain

• Re-traumatisation - Each conversation reopens the wound rather than allowing healing

• Premature closure - Pressure to ‘get over it’ before the injury has been properly tended

Therapy provides what home conversations cannot: emotional containment, structure, and skilled guidance through the most painful terrain a relationship can face.

What Research Shows About Infidelity Recovery

Success rates for couples therapy following an affair

Studies demonstrate that 60-75% of couples who commit to infidelity-focused therapy report significant improvement in relationship quality and reduction in trauma symptoms. Importantly, these positive outcomes are most pronounced when couples disclose the affair and engage fully in the therapeutic process rather than keeping secrets.

Time frame for couples therapy

Most couples need 3 to 12 months of weekly therapy to process an attachment injury fully, typically requiring 18 to 20 sessions over 4 to 6 months. Research shows that couples who terminate prematurely often return months or years later when unprocessed pain resurfaces, highlighting the importance of completing the full therapeutic process.

Predictors of healing following betrayal

A systematic review of infidelity recovery research identified five critical factors that predict successful healing:

• Genuine remorse and accountability (not just guilt about being caught)

• Complete transparency and willingness to rebuild trust behaviorally

• Patience from both partners for the healing timeline

• Consistent therapeutic support to process the trauma

• Shared activities that rebuild connection

How Couples Therapy for Infidelity Works

My approach to infidelity recovery is rooted in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT), specifically adapted for attachment injuries, and enriched by trauma-informed, humanistic, and psychodynamic approaches. This integrative approach provides both the emotional depth and clear containment structure that healing from betrayal requires.

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT)

EFCT is one of the most researched approaches to couples therapy, with specific protocols for healing attachment injuries like infidelity. Research shows that 62.5% of couples with attachment injuries who receive EFCT achieve resolution, with improvements in trust, forgiveness, and relationship satisfaction maintained at three-year follow-up.

EFCT understands infidelity not as a ‘communication problem’ but as a rupture of the attachment bond - the deep emotional connection that makes you feel safe and secure. Healing requires more than apologies or promises; it demands a structured process of emotional repair that rebuilds safety from the ground up.

Humanistic and Person-Centred Foundation

I meet both partners with deep respect, empathy, and non-judgment, regardless of your role in what happened. The betrayed partner’s experiences and the involved partner’s feelings are both held with compassion. Therapy isn’t about determining who’s right or wrong - it’s a space where both people’s pain, fear, and longing can be witnessed and understood.

Psychodynamic Approaches

We explore how past relational experiences - early attachment patterns, family-of-origin dynamics, previous relationship wounds - shape how each of you responded to disconnection and why the affair may have felt like an escape or solution in the moment. We’ll work with shame, defences, and unconscious patterns that keep you stuck in cycles of hiding, attacking, or withdrawing.

In Our Work Together, We Will

• Create immediate stability and safety - Establish clear boundaries, manage intrusive thoughts and hypervigilance, and reduce harm from uncontained conversations at home

• Process the attachment injury - Support the betrayed partner to express the full depth of pain, fear, and rage in ways that can be received; help the involved partner hear and absorb this without collapsing into defensiveness or shame

• Move toward genuine accountability - Guide the involved partner beyond explanations to authentic remorse, emotional presence, and understanding of the profound impact of their actions

• Understand what happened beneath the surface - Explore (without justifying) the relationship vulnerabilities, unmet needs, or individual struggles that created openings for betrayal

• Rebuild trust through consistent responsiveness - Develop new patterns of transparency, honesty, and emotional availability that prove reliability over time, not just through words

• Make informed decisions about your future - Gain clarity about whether reconciliation, separation, or continued exploration feels right—from a grounded place rather than panic or guilt

What Couples Experience Through Infidelity Recovery

While every relationship is unique, couples who commit to this specialised therapeutic process often report:

• Less volatile reactivity - Conversations about the affair that once spiralled into conflict become more contained and productive

• Feeling less alone with the pain - Both partners experience being truly seen in their suffering - the betrayed partner’s devastation and the involved partner’s remorse

• Greater emotional honesty - The capacity to speak truth without defensive shields or protective lies

• Deeper understanding of each other’s inner worlds - Insight into fears, longings, and vulnerabilities that were hidden even before the affair

• In some cases, profound transformation - A relationship rebuilt on emotional truth, vulnerability, and genuine intimacy that surpasses what existed before (though you would never have chosen this path to get there)

When Couples Therapy May Not Be Right

Rebuilding trust requires both partners to commit fully to the relationship and the therapeutic process. For couples therapy to be effective in healing from infidelity, the affair must have ended completely. If a partner is unsure whether they are ready to end the affair, individual therapy may be more appropriate as a first step to gain clarity about what they truly want. Once that decision is made, couples therapy can support the rebuilding process.

Additionally, if there is active domestic violence, untreated addiction or untreated mental health issues severely impacting the relationship, or one partner is already committed to leaving, other forms of support or counselling may be more appropriate as a first step.

Common Questions About Couples Therapy for Rebuilding Trust

What happens in the first session?

We’ll explore your relationship history, current challenges, and what you’re each hoping for. I’ll begin to identify your conflict cycle and help both of you feel heard and understood from the start.

How long does couples therapy take?

Infidelity recovery often requires 3 to 6 months of weekly sessions, sometimes longer for complex situations. Some symptoms may take 12 to 18 months to fully resolve, even with supportive therapy.

If you are looking for a more focused approach to stabilise your relationship, I also offer 2-day couples intensives.

What are your fees?

My fees can be viewed here.

About Your Couples Therapist

I’m Francesca, a qualified therapist and counsellor with specialist training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT). I work with couples experiencing communication breakdowns, emotional disconnection, recurring conflict patterns, and attachment injuries.

My approach is calm, attuned, and structured. I aim to create a space where difficult emotions can be explored safely and where both partners feel supported to understand themselves - and each other - more deeply.

Online Couples Therapy for Ovecoming an Affair and Infidelity Recovery

Book your consultation

If you and your partner are ready to rebuild trust and emotional connection, the next step is an online consultation. The 20-minute consultation with each partner allows us to:

• Share what has happened without judgment

• Understand whether you’re both ready to begin therapy

• Assess if my approach feels right for your situation

• Discuss how we would work together through the stages of relationship recovery

You don’t have to navigate this alone. Specialised therapeutic support can help you heal.

References

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Giacobbi, E., Saita, E. and Canale, N. (2025) ‘Unpacking trust repair in couples: A systematic literature review’, Journal of Family Therapy, 47(1), pp. 126-147. doi: https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-6427.12483

Gordon, K.C., Baucom, D.H. and Snyder, D.K. (2004) ‘An integrative intervention for promoting recovery from extramarital affairs’, Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 30(2), pp. 213-231. doi: https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2004.tb01235.x

Halchuk, R.E., Makinen, J.A. and Johnson, S.M. (2010) ‘Resolving attachment injuries in couples using emotionally focused therapy: A three-year follow-up’, Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 9(1), pp. 31-47. doi: https://doi.org/10.1080/15332690903473069

Lonergan, M., Brunet, A., Rivest-Beauregard, M. and Groleau, D. (2021) ‘Is romantic partner betrayal a form of traumatic experience? A qualitative study’, Stress and Health, 37(1), pp. 19-31. doi: https://doi.org/10.1002/smi.2968

Makinen, J.A. and Johnson, S.M. (2006) ‘Resolving attachment injuries in couples using emotionally focused therapy: Steps toward forgiveness and reconciliation’, Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 74(6), pp. 1055-1064. doi: https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.74.6.1055

Mitchell, E.A., Wittenborn, A.K., Timm, T.M. and Blow, A.J. (2020). Examining the Role of the Attachment Bond in the Process of Recovering from an Affair. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 49(3), pp.221–236. doi:https://doi.org/10.1080/01926187.2020.1791763

Rokach, A. and Chan, S.H. (2023). Love and Infidelity: Causes and Consequences. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, [online] 20(5), p.3904. doi: https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph20053904

Vrtička, P. and Vuilleumier, P. (2012) 'Neuroscience of human social interactions and adult attachment style', Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 6, article 212. doi: https://doi.org/10.3389/fnhum.2012.00212