Couples Therapy for Jealousy, Anger, and Emotional Regulation

Strong emotions can take over a relationship very quickly. Jealousy, anger, fear, or overwhelm may arise suddenly, escalate fast, and leave both partners feeling out of control, misunderstood, or ashamed of what was said or done.

Couples therapy offers a contained, supportive space to understand what is happening beneath these intense reactions and to develop safer, more connected ways of responding to one another, even when emotions run high.

When emotions feel hard to manage together

You may recognise your relationship in some of the following experiences:

• Arguments escalate rapidly and feel difficult to stop once they begin

• Jealousy, suspicion, or fear of loss fuels conflict and reassurance-seeking

• Anger surfaces suddenly or lingers long after disagreements have ended

• One partner becomes emotionally flooded while the other shuts down or withdraws

• You worry about ‘losing control’ in conflict or saying things you later regret

These patterns are painful, but they are also understandable. Strong emotional reactions within a relationship usually develop for a reason, and therapy can help you understand and change the cycle.

Strong emotions are signals, not failures

Anger, jealousy, and emotional reactivity are often misunderstood as character flaws or signs that something is wrong with one or both partners. In reality, these emotions are frequently protective responses that arise when attachment, trust, or emotional safety feels threatened.

When the nervous system perceives danger - whether real or imagined - it moves quickly into fight, flight, or shutdown. Without support, couples can become caught in cycles of escalation and withdrawal that neither partner consciously chooses, yet both suffer within.

Therapy offers a place to work with these emotions rather than against them.

Improving emotional regulation

Many people try to manage strong emotions through willpower, logic, or self-control. While these strategies can help at times, they often fail in moments of relational stress.

Taking responsibility for your emotional regulation

Individual emotional regulation refers to your capacity to notice, tolerate, and respond to your own internal emotional states without becoming overwhelmed or shutting down. This includes recognising early signs of emotional flooding, understanding what your emotions are signalling, and developing greater choice about how you respond rather than react.

In relationships under strain, individual regulation is often compromised - not because something is wrong with you, but because attachment threat activates the nervous system very quickly.

Co-regulation within a relationship

Emotional regulation is not just an individual skill; it is deeply relational. We regulate best when we feel emotionally safe, understood, and met by another person. Co-regulation refers to the way partners influence one another’s nervous systems through tone of voice, responsiveness, presence, and emotional availability.

Couples therapy provides a supported relational space where emotions can slow down, be named, and be responded to differently. Over time, this creates new experiences of relational safety that make co-regulation possible, even during moments of disagreement or distress.

What research shows about healing jealousy and anger in relationships

Decades of attachment and emotion regulation research guide how we help couples break free from destructive patterns:

• Jealousy is fundamentally an attachment threat response - Research demonstrates that jealousy arises when the attachment bond feels threatened, with insecurely attached individuals (particularly those with anxious attachment) experiencing significantly more cognitive and emotional jealousy (Sharpsteen and Kirkpatrick, 1997; Guerrero, 1998).

• Emotion regulation predicts relationship satisfaction - Longitudinal studies show that the ability to downregulate negative emotions during conflict predicts marital satisfaction both concurrently and over time, making emotion regulation skills a crucial therapeutic target (Bloch et al., 2014).

• Attachment patterns shape emotion regulation in relationships - Avoidantly attached individuals suppress emotions and share less with partners, while anxiously attached individuals struggle with emotion regulation under relational threat, highlighting the importance of attachment-informed therapy (Brandão et al., 2020).

How couples therapy works

My integrative approach to couples therapy provides both emotional depth and an evidence-based process. This combination allows us to work with strong emotions while maintaining structure and containment.

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT)

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) helps us understand how emotional reactions are organised within the relationship. This process supports:

• Identifying cycles of escalation, shutdown, or emotional flooding

• Slowing these patterns down as they happen between you

• Understanding the attachment fears driving anger or jealousy

• Creating safer ways of expressing needs and vulnerability

Psychodynamic Therapy

Psychodynamic therapy helps you understand why relational patterns exist and offers a secure foundation from which to change them. This approach involves:

• Exploring how prior relational experiences shape present emotional responses

• Making sense of defensive emotions such as rage, suspicion, or withdrawal

• Reducing the likelihood of unconsciously repeating painful patterns

Relational emotion regulation

Rather than focusing on control or suppression, therapy supports:

• Learning to co-regulate rather than polarise

• Increasing tolerance for emotional intensity

• Building trust in each other’s emotional availability

• Reducing fear of conflict and strong feelings

Is this approach right for you?

This work may be appropriate if you:

• Experience high emotional reactivity or volatility

• Want to understand emotions rather than suppress or control them

• Value insight, reflection, and emotional honesty

This approach is not the right fit if you are looking for surface-level anger-management techniques.

Couples therapy is not appropriate when there is:

• An untreated mental health issue or addiction

• Active or recent domestic abuse or intimate partner violence

• Ongoing infidelity

• A separation already underway or finalised

Formats

Online Couples Therapy

I offer weekly online couples therapy via secure video connection. Working online allows us to meet consistently and supports the depth, continuity, and emotional safety needed for meaningful relational change.

In-Person Couples Therapy Intensives

For couples seeking focused, immersive work, I also offer 2-day in-person couples intensives in Bristol and selected UK locations, including London. Intensives provide extended time to work through entrenched patterns, gain clarity, and stabilise your relationship.

About your couples therapist

I’m Francesca Sciandra, a qualified couples therapist and integrative counsellor with specialist training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT). My work focuses on helping couples slow things down, make sense of intense relational dynamics, and rebuild emotional safety where it has been lost.

I commonly work with couples experiencing:

• Recurring conflict and communication breakdowns

• Infidelity, betrayal, and attachment injuries

• Emotional distance and attachment-based disconnection

• Intense relational emotions such as anger, jealousy, fear, loneliness, or shutdown

My work is grounded in a clear therapeutic frame that supports sustained, careful engagement with relational patterns over time.

Couples Therapy for Jealousy, Anger, and Emotional Regulation

If you and your partner are considering couples therapy, you are welcome to request a consultation.

Consultations are 20-minute conversations held separately with each partner and offer space to:

• Clarify what you are seeking support with

• Assess whether this approach is appropriate for your situation

• Discuss how the work might be structured moving forward

Contact me →

References

Bloch, L., Haase, C.M. and Levenson, R.W. (2014) ‘Emotion regulation predicts marital satisfaction: More than a wives’ tale’, Emotion, 14(1), pp. 130-144. doi: https://doi.org/10.1037/a0034272

Brandão, T., Matias, M., Ferreira, T., Vieira, J., Schulz, M.S. and Matos, P.M. (2020) ‘Attachment, emotion regulation, and well-being in couples: Intrapersonal and interpersonal associations’, Journal of Personality, 88(4), pp. 748-761. doi: https://doi.org/10.1111/jopy.12523

Guerrero, L.K. (1998) ‘Attachment-style differences in the experience and expression of romantic jealousy’, Personal Relationships, 5(3), pp. 273-291. doi: https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.1998.tb00172.x

Sharpsteen, D.J. and Kirkpatrick, L.A. (1997) ‘Romantic jealousy and adult romantic attachment’, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 72(3), pp. 627-640. doi: https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.72.3.627