Trapped In Conflict? Couples Therapy to Improve Your Connection
Integrative and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) — UK & Online
When conflict becomes repetitive, conversations escalate quickly, or emotional distance grows despite repeated attempts to repair things, couples often feel exhausted and uncertain about what else to try. You may recognise a sense of being stuck in the same arguments, even when both of you care deeply about the relationship.
Couples therapy focuses on understanding the relational patterns that organise conflict over time. This includes attachment dynamics and the protective responses - such as escalation, withdrawal, or shutdown - that keep difficult cycles in place. Rather than addressing arguments in isolation, the work examines how these patterns form, what maintains them, and what becomes possible when they begin to shift.
This approach is particularly suited to couples experiencing recurring conflict, communication breakdowns, or negative cycles that persist despite awareness, effort, or previous therapy.
Does this sound familiar?
You may recognise one or more of the following patterns in your relationship:
The same arguments repeat, with little sense of resolution
One partner pursues discussion while the other withdraws or shuts down
Conversations escalate quickly into anger, defensiveness, or silence
Attempts to connect lead to feeling misunderstood or criticised
Emotional distance is increasing, despite a desire to feel closer
There is growing concern about the future of the relationship
These dynamics are common and do not mean your relationship is broken or beyond repair. They often reflect patterns that have become entrenched under emotional pressure.
Conflict is rarely about communication skills
Most couples are not lacking communication techniques. What appears to be ‘poor communication’ is often a sign that something more vulnerable is being triggered beneath the surface.
In close relationships, conflict often arises when emotional safety or connection is threatened. In response, partners often automatically move into protective positions: seeking reassurance, withdrawing to manage overwhelm, defending against perceived criticism, or shutting down emotionally.
Over time, these reactions solidify into a negative interaction cycle: a pattern neither partner consciously chooses, but both feel caught within.
Research has consistently shown that certain interactional patterns, such as criticism, defensiveness, withdrawal, and contempt, are strongly associated with relationship distress and breakdown.
Couples therapy focuses on understanding and altering these patterns rather than treating individual behaviours in isolation.
Why surface-level advice often falls short
Communication tips and strategies can be helpful in low-conflict moments, but they tend to collapse when emotions run high. This is because they do not address the attachment needs, fears, and implicit meanings driving the interaction.
In depth-oriented couples therapy, the focus is on the cycle itself and how each partner’s responses make sense in context and in relation to one another. Over time, new experiences of responsiveness and understanding can gradually replace repeating patterns.
How couples therapy for conflict works
My approach is calm, structured, and relationally focused. Rather than attempting to resolve disagreements quickly, I help couples slow interactions down and examine how emotional patterns unfold over time.
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT)
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) is a well-established, evidence-based approach grounded in attachment theory. It understands conflict as arising from disruptions in emotional connection and safety, particularly under stress.
EFCT focuses on helping couples identify negative interaction cycles, access the underlying emotions that drive them, and create new experiences of responsiveness and connection.
Psychodynamic and integrative work
Alongside EFCT, I attend to how earlier relational experiences, such as family dynamics, past relationships, or developmental experiences, continue to shape present reactions. This psychodynamic lens helps make sense of intense emotions, automatic defences, and recurring relational themes, supporting change that is more durable than behavioural adjustment alone.
The work is integrative and responsive, rather than formulaic. The focus develops over time in response to what emerges between you.
In our work together, we will:
Identify and slow down your recurring conflict cycle
Clarify the emotions beneath anger, withdrawal, or shutdown
Explore how attachment needs and fears shape your interactions
Support clearer expression of vulnerability and need
Develop new relational experiences that foster safety and responsiveness
Couples who engage consistently in this work often report:
Conflict that feels slower, less overwhelming, and more workable
Greater emotional clarity and understanding
Feeling genuinely heard and taken seriously by one another
Reduced escalation, reactivity, and emotional withdrawal
A renewed sense of connection, trust, and partnership
Is this approach right for you?
This work may be appropriate if you:
Are open to exploring emotional and relational patterns, not just behaviours
Want to understand what is happening between you, rather than assigning blame
Are willing to engage actively and consistently in the process
Understand that meaningful change unfolds over time
Couples therapy may not be appropriate where there is:
Ongoing or untreated addiction or severe mental health instability
Active or recent domestic abuse or coercive control
Ongoing infidelity
A separation is already underway or decided
Formats
Online Couples Therapy
I offer weekly online couples therapy via secure video connection. Working online allows for consistency and supports the continuity required for sustained relational work. Most couples engage in weekly sessions over approximately 3 to 6 months, with some continuing longer where patterns are more complex.
In-Person Couples Therapy Intensives
For couples experiencing acute relational strain or seeking a concentrated period of work, I offer 2-day in-person couples therapy intensives in Bristol and select UK locations. Intensives provide extended time to clarify relational dynamics, interrupt entrenched cycles, and establish greater stability.
About your couples therapist
I’m Francesca Sciandra, a qualified couples therapist and integrative counsellor with specialist training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT). I work with couples where conflict, emotional intensity, or withdrawal have become entrenched and are shaping the relationship.
I commonly work with couples experiencing:
Infidelity, betrayal, and attachment injuries
Emotional distance and attachment-based disconnection
Intense relational emotions such as anger, jealousy, fear, loneliness, or shutdown
Recurring conflict and communication breakdowns
My work is grounded in a clear therapeutic frame that supports sustained, careful engagement with relational patterns over time.
Couples Therapy to Overcome Conflict and Improve Your Connection
If you and your partner are considering couples therapy, you are welcome to request a consultation.
Consultations are 20-minute conversations held separately with each partner and offer space to:
Clarify what you are seeking support with
Assess whether this approach is appropriate for your situation
Discuss how the work might be structured moving forward
References
Bretherton, I. (1992) ‘The origins of attachment theory: John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth’, Developmental Psychology, 28(5), pp. 759-775. doi: https://doi.org/10.1037/0012-1649.28.5.759
Gottman, J.M. (1994) What predicts divorce?: The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes. Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates. doi: https://doi.org/10.4324/9781315806808
Hazan, C. and Shaver, P. (1987) ‘Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process’, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), pp. 511-524. doi: https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.52.3.511
Hewison, D., Casey, P. and Mwamba, N. (2016). The effectiveness of couple therapy: Clinical outcomes in a naturalistic United Kingdom setting. Psychotherapy, 53(4), pp.377–387. doi:https://doi.org/10.1037/pst0000098
Johnson, S.M., Hunsley, J., Greenberg, L. and Schindler, D. (1999) ‘Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy: Status and challenges’, Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 6(1), pp. 67-79. doi: https://doi.org/10.1093/clipsy.6.1.67
Spengler, P.M., Lee, N.A. and Wittenborn, A.K. (2024) ‘A comprehensive meta-analysis on the efficacy of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy’, Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 50(1), pp. 6-29. doi: https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12654
Wiebe, S.A. and Johnson, S.M. (2016) ‘A review of the research in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples’, Family Process, 55(3), pp. 390-407. doi: https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12229