Overcoming Sexual Shame: Discovering Safety, Pleasure, and Autonomy
Image by Karabo Mdluli
Do you find yourself lying awake at night, wondering if you’ll ever feel truly comfortable in your intimate relationships? Perhaps you’re struggling with feelings of shame or difficulties understanding your desires. Maybe you’re carrying the weight of past experiences that make it difficult to trust and connect with others. You’re not alone.
As a therapist, I often meet clients who carry deep questions about their sexuality and relationships. Many arrive feeling alone in their struggles, wondering if what they’re experiencing is ‘normal’. I want you to know that wherever you are on your journey, your concerns are valid, and there is a path forward from shame and worry.
From Disconnection to Deep Connection
Sexual well-being isn’t just about physical intimacy – it’s about your relationship with yourself, your partner(s), and the world around you. In my practice, I’ve seen how profoundly our sexual well-being connects to our overall sense of self, our ability to trust, and our capacity for joy and connection.
Many of my clients come to therapy feeling disconnected from their bodies, carrying shame about their desires, or struggling to communicate with their partners. These challenges don’t exist in isolation – they’re often intertwined with our past experiences, cultural messages, and the complex dynamics of our relationships.
Healing Sexual Shame
I’ve heard countless stories of sexual shame – stories that often begin with, ‘I’ve never told anyone this, but…’ These moments of vulnerability often mark the beginning of profound healing.
Sexual shame often has deep roots in religious or cultural messaging, where sex is framed as something ‘wrong’ or ‘dirty’. These messages can become deeply embedded in our psyche, affecting how we view ourselves and our relationships long into adulthood.
Many people carry the weight of early life experiences where they experienced criticism or judgment about their bodies, desires, or expressions of sexuality. These moments, though perhaps brief, can leave lasting imprints on our sense of self-worth and sexual confidence.
Society’s rigid expectations about how we ‘should’ look or behave create another layer of shame. These pressures affect people of all genders, leading to persistent feelings of inadequacy or the sense that we’re somehow failing to measure up to an impossible standard.
For some, sexual shame stems from traumatic experiences that remain unprocessed. Without proper support and healing, these experiences can continue to impact our ability to form healthy, fulfilling relationships and experience intimacy in the way we desire.
‘We need to learn how to recognise shame and bring it into the light. As that happens, we’re able to unstable ourselves from the effects of shame, leading not only to better sex lives, but also to better lives in general.’
— Beyond Shame: Creating a Healthy Sex Life on Your Own Terms, Matthias Roberts
Image by Afonso Coutinho
Breaking Free from Harmful Messages
Society bombards us with contradictory messages about sexuality, gender, and relationships. It can be easy to feel confused or alone, and want to hide or turn away from what we’re experiencing. Some common situations include:
Men who feel pressured to be constantly ‘ready’ and ‘performing’
Women who’ve adapted to ignore their own desires while focusing on others
Non-binary individuals who feel excluded or pressured to hide parts of themselves
LGBTQIA+ individuals navigating expectations and societal prejudice
People of all genders, sexual orientations, and ages struggling with body image issues, feelings of embarrassment, and low self-worth
Unsupportive messages can make it difficult to trust our own desires, communicate openly, or feel at home in our bodies. In therapy, we can begin to untangle these beliefs, challenge harmful narratives, and create space for a more authentic and fulfilling relationship with our sexuality.
‘Sexuality as a central aspect of being human encompasses sex, gender identities and roles, sexual orientation, eroticism, pleasure, intimacy and reproduction. Sexuality is experienced and expressed in thoughts, fantasies, desires, beliefs, attitudes, values, behaviors, practices, roles and relationships.’
— The World Association for Sexual Health’s Declaration on Sexual Pleasure
The 3 Elements of Sexual Well-being
Through working with individuals and couples, I’ve observed three fundamental elements that contribute to healthy sexuality:
Safety: The Foundation of Intimacy
When clients first tell me they’re struggling with intimacy, we often discover that feeling unsafe – either emotionally or physically – lies at the root. Perhaps you’ve experienced:
Anxiety about expressing your needs or boundaries
Shame about your body or desires
Trauma from past relationships or experiences
Difficulty trusting partners due to past judgments or betrayals
Creating safety isn’t just about physical boundaries – it’s about building an environment where you can be fully yourself without fear of judgment or rejection.
Pleasure: Reconnecting with Self
One of the most heartbreaking patterns I see in my practice is people who have lost their connection to pleasure – not just sexual pleasure, but the essential ability to feel good in their bodies and relationships. You may:
Have difficulty reconciling their desires with their values or beliefs
Feel guilty about prioritising their own pleasure
Struggle to communicate what feels good
Experience anxiety that prevents them from being present during intimate moments
Remember: Your capacity for pleasure is a natural, healthy part of who you are.
Autonomy: Finding Your Voice
Perhaps you’ve found yourself going along with what others want, losing yourself in relationships, or struggling to know what you truly desire. Developing sexual autonomy means:
Learning to identify and express your authentic needs
Making choices that align with your values
Setting boundaries without guilt
Challenging messages that don’t serve your well-being
In a broader context, autonomy means challenging restrictive gender norms, cultural taboos, and societal expectations that limit sexual expression and self-discovery.
‘Optimal sexual experiences themselves could be corrective and healing. This sets up a kind of virtuous cycle – letting go and overcoming previous messages and experiences broadens one’s capacity for optimal sexual experiences, which contain their own kind of teaching and healing powers to further the process of letting go and overcoming.’
— Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers, Kleinplat and Menard
Image by Omar Lopez
Taking Your First Steps Toward Healing
If you’re reading this and recognising your struggles, know that seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness. You can take several meaningful steps as you begin your healing journey.
Begin by practising self-compassion, paying attention to moments when you’re being harsh with yourself about sexual concerns. Take time to journal about your experiences and feelings, creating a private space to process your thoughts. As you move forward, explore resources about sexual health and healing that resonate with you. Remember that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
When to Seek Professional Support
Reflect on whether working with a therapist might provide the support and guidance you need on this journey. You might benefit from working with a therapist if you:
Feel persistent shame or anxiety about sexuality
Struggle to communicate with partners about intimate matters
Have experienced sexual abuse or harassment
Want to build healthier relationships with yourself and others
Need support processing cultural or religious messages about sexuality
Remember, seeking help isn’t a sign that something is ‘wrong’ with you – it’s an essential part of supporting your well-being and relationships.
Embrace Your Sexuality and Transform Your Relationships
As a therapist, I’ve witnessed countless individuals and couples overcome challenges with sexuality and intimacy. The journey isn’t always easy, but it’s profoundly worth it. Whether you’re dealing with past trauma, current relationship challenges, or questions about your sexual identity, know that healing and growth are possible.
Are you ready to explore new possibilities and deepen your connection to yourself?
Take the next step and book a consultation with me. Together, we can create a space where you can explore these important aspects of your life with compassion, understanding, and hope for the future.
References
Ford, J.V., Corona, E., Cruz, M., Fortenberry, J.D., Kismodi, E., Philpott, A., Rubio-Aurioles, E. and Coleman, E. (2022). The world association for sexual health’s declaration on sexual pleasure: A technical guide. International Journal of Sexual Health, 33(4), pp.1–31. doi:https://doi.org/10.1080/19317611.2021.2023718.
Kleinplatz, P.J. and A Dana Ménard (2020). Magnificent Sex : lessons from extraordinary lovers. New York, NY: Routledge, p 71.
Litam, S. A., & Speciale, M. (2021). Deconstructing Sexual Shame: Implications for Clinical Counselors and Counselor Educators. Journal of Counseling Sexology & Sexual Wellness: Research, Practice, and Education, 3 (1), 14-24. https://doi.org/10.34296/03011045.
Matthias, T. (2020). Beyond Shame: creating a healthy sex life on your own terms. S.L.: Fortress Press, U S., p. 4.
Waling, A., Farrugia, A. and Fraser, S. (2022). Embarrassment, Shame, and Reassurance: Emotion and Young People’s Access to Online Sexual Health Information. Sexuality Research and Social Policy, 20(1). doi:https://doi.org/10.1007/s13178-021-00668-6.
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