The Secret to Relationship Satisfaction: Feeling Truly Seen
Image by Brooke Cagle
Have you ever shared something deeply personal with someone you’re close with, only to receive a response that made you wonder if they were really listening? Or perhaps you’ve felt that hollow ache of disappointment when someone who claims to love you seems to misunderstand who you truly are?
What Makes Relationships Thrive
I recently discovered a fascinating study that can help us understand what makes some relationships blossom and others wilt. The study, entitled ‘Feeling Known Predicts Relationship Satisfaction’, demonstrated that feeling seen predicted relationship satisfaction among family, romantic partners, and friends.
There are two fundamental experiences in any relationship:
Knowing another person – Understanding their thoughts, needs, and feelings
Being known by someone else – The feeling that they truly understand and see you
While mutual understanding is an essential part of connecting with others, feeling understood by another is what truly makes you feel satisfied to be in a relationship.
The research reveals something significant: feeling seen by your partner, friend, or family member is a stronger predictor of relationship satisfaction than having a sense that you know them. This insight can help us reflect on what we need and what we can offer to the people we’re close to nurture mutual satisfaction.
‘Intimacy is being seen and known as the person you truly are.’
Image by Justin Follis
Why Your Need to Be Seen Runs So Deep
Have you ever had these thoughts about someone you’re close to? — ‘I know everything about them, but sometimes I wonder if they know anything about me.’
This disconnect is common and deeply painful. When we don’t feel known, we can experience:
A sense of isolation, even when physically together
Questioning our worth and lovability
Difficulty being vulnerable or authentic
Growing resentment that can poison the relationship
The study suggests that feeling known matters so much because it directly connects to our need for emotional support. When your partner truly sees you, they can respond to your actual needs—not what they assume you need. This creates a foundation of security and trust that nothing else can replace.
Fulfiling the Desire to Be Known
The study found that since people deeply desire to be understood, they’re more attracted to partners who show a genuine interest in understanding them. Offering understanding may be the very thing that helps you receive it in return.
Acknowledging this can be transformative. By shifting your focus from ‘Why don’t they understand me?’ to ‘How can I better understand them?’, you can create a ripple effect that changes the entire dynamic of your relationship.
‘You know what intimacy is? It’s into-me-you-see … it’s allowing someone to know who you are when you have all these defenses to keep them from knowing.’
Image by Ryan Jacobson
Practical Steps to Feel More Seen (And Help Others Feel Seen Too)
If you’re struggling with not feeling known in your relationship, here are some gentle steps that can help you deepen your level of relationship satisfaction:
Invite deeper understanding through vulnerability
Instead of expecting your partner or friend to read your mind (we’ve all been guilty of this at some point), create opportunities for them to know you better. Share your thoughts, dreams, and fears directly. ‘I need you to know that… can be the start of a transformative conversation.
Practice the art of curious listening
When your partner or friend speaks, listen not just to respond but to truly understand. Ask open questions that invite them to share more deeply. The quality of your attention communicates that they matter to you.
Reflect back what you hear
Simple phrases like ‘What I'm hearing is…’ or ‘It sounds like you feel…’ can work wonders. When someone feels accurately heard, they’re more likely to extend the same gift to you.
Express appreciation when you do feel seen
When your partner gets it right—when they truly understand something important about you—acknowledge it. This positive reinforcement creates a beautiful cycle of mutual understanding.
Consider professional support
Sometimes, relationships get stuck in patterns that are difficult to shift on your own. Therapy provides a safe space to learn new ways of communicating and connecting to help you and your partner feel truly known.
‘There’s nothing more intimate in life than simply being understood. And understanding someone else.’
The Courage to Be Known
Sharing yourself with another person requires courage. It means allowing yourself to be seen with all your complexities, imperfections, and needs. It means trusting that you are worthy of being understood exactly as you are.
If you’re struggling with feeling unseen in your relationships, please know that you’re not alone, and change is possible. The journey toward feeling known often begins with a single brave conversation—whether with your partner or a therapist who can help guide the way.
Book a consultation
Would you like to explore how therapy might help you feel more seen and understood in your relationships? I’m here to help. Reach out today to schedule a consultation.
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References
Schroeder, J. and Fishbach, A. (2024). Feeling known predicts relationship satisfaction. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, [online] 111, p.104559. doi:https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2023.104559.