The First Couples Therapy Session: Structure, Focus, and Purpose
The first couples therapy session is a structured, 80-minute session designed to establish a shared understanding of what is happening in your relationship. It forms part of an assessment process, allowing me to understand your relational dynamics, current difficulties, and what has led you to seek therapy at this stage.
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Beginning couples therapy often brings a mix of emotions. Some couples arrive hopeful, others uncertain, and many somewhere in between. The first session is not about performance, blame, or having everything resolved. It is a structured starting point for understanding how your relationship is currently organised and how therapy may support change.
The first session takes place after I have held an initial consultation with each partner separately. These brief conversations are conducted in advance to assess whether couples therapy is appropriate and how the work might be structured. I specialise in working with couples following betrayal or infidelity, recurring conflict cycles, intense relational emotions such as anger or jealousy, and difficulties with emotional intimacy. From the outset, the focus is on understanding how your relationship is functioning and what you are seeking to change.
As an integrative therapist, I tailor the work to each couple rather than applying a fixed protocol. The assessment phase is an essential part of this process. I work from Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) and psychodynamic perspectives, which means I attend not only to current interactions, but also to the emotional patterns, attachment dynamics, and personal histories that shape how you relate to one another.
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What Happens in a First Couples Therapy Session
Here’s an overview of a typical first 80-minute couples session, outlined to give you a sense of what might happen in your first session. During our work together, you’ll have opportunities to ask questions about our process.
Step 1: Starting the Session
Establishing the Therapeutic Frame
To begin, I’ll establish the therapeutic frame that supports the work: confidentiality, boundaries, practical arrangements, and how we will work together. Before the session, you would have received a couples therapy agreement to review, and we’ll discuss it at the start of the session. You also would have received and returned a couples therapy questionnaire with questions about you and your relationship. Discussing these details creates the safety and clarity you need to do vulnerable work. You’ll know how the space is held, what to expect from me, and what I’ll need from you.
Step 2: Exploring Your Relationship
Orienting to the Session
Before we go deeper, I’ll check in briefly with each of you about how you’re feeling about starting therapy today. This is a way for me to sense where each of you is emotionally as we begin.
Sometimes, one partner is more motivated or more comfortable speaking, while the other might be more cautious or guarded. I’m paying attention to this dynamic from the very start. It helps me understand how to pace the session, who may need more encouragement to open up, and who may need a gentle slowing down.
Structured Time for Each Partner
The heart of the first session involves spending focused time with each of you while your partner listens without commenting. This structure may feel unfamiliar. It is intentional.
I’ll explain that the person listening should do just that: listen. And when it’s their turn, they should speak from their own perspective rather than responding to what their partner just said. I often encourage you to speak in terms of ‘I’ rather than ‘we’. ‘We’ can blur the lines of individual experience. ‘I’ helps us slow down and understand each person's inner world more clearly.
During this time, I might ask questions like:
From your perspective, what do you see as the main issue in your relationship? This isn't about getting the ‘right’ answer. It's about understanding how each of you experiences the relationship and where you feel stuck.
How motivated are you to participate in this work? I want to get a sense of how willing each of you is to engage with the discomfort that growth requires.
What would a successful outcome look like for you? I'm curious about your hopes, not just your frustrations. What are you longing for? What would feel different if therapy helped?
These questions focus on self-awareness and understanding how each of you engages in your relational patterns and dynamics. Throughout the session, I will actively listen to assess your relationship and to understand your goals for couples therapy. This information will help me tailor your therapy to meet your needs.
Step 3: Closing the First Session
Toward the end, we will pause and reflect on the session. I will check in with each of you as we close, asking what’s staying with you, what stood out, or what felt difficult to acknowledge or experience.
This is not about resolving issues or reaching conclusions. It is a way of helping you notice how you engage with the work, how you respond to one another in the room, and what begins to emerge when the pace slows. At times, I may invite you to name something you are taking away from the session: an insight, a question, or a shift in how you see your relationship.
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What Happens After the First Session
The first couples therapy session forms the foundation for the work ahead. It allows me to begin assessing how your relationship is organised, where patterns become stuck, and what will be most helpful to focus on as therapy continues.
Following the first session, the next step typically involves meeting with each partner individually at least once. Individual sessions are a core part of effective couples therapy. They provide space to explore personal history, vulnerabilities, and relational patterns that may be difficult to address fully in joint sessions.
After these individual meetings, we return to working together as a couple. At this stage, the focus shifts toward deepening understanding of your interactional patterns, slowing down conflict cycles, and developing new ways of relating that feel more secure, responsive, and emotionally available.
Is couples therapy right for you?
Couples therapy may be a good fit if you are experiencing ongoing relational difficulties and are willing to engage in a structured, reflective process over time. My work is grounded in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) and integrative relational approaches, with an emphasis on understanding the patterns that shape how you relate to one another.
I most often work with couples struggling with:
Recurring conflict and communication breakdowns
Infidelity, betrayal, and attachment injuries
Emotional intimacy and attachment-based disconnection
Intense relational emotions such as anger, jealousy, fear, loneliness, or shutdown
Beginning Couples Therapy
If you are considering couples therapy and would like to explore whether this work is the right fit, you and your partner are welcome to request a consultation.
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